The English Language

LEGAL NOTICE: most of what is written in this email is a serious affront to human sanity. It should by no means be taken seriously, imbibed or spread on toast (unless it has been diluted in a large bucket of fish first).

This was writen as a mail to my foreign girlfriend. She sometimes has a bit of trouble with the complexities of the lovely (if not always practical) English language.

Baby, Darling, Lover...
Sometimes I tell you that you make confusing mistakes in English. Sometimes these lead to misunderstandings between us, which can on occasion lead to arguements, which in turn can sometimes turn nasty (before we realise that its a missunderstanding).
But, when I correct you, I am not trying to tell you that your stupid (when I actually tell you you're stupid, than I am trying to tell you that you're stupid). When I explain to you that the way you said something is very offensive in English, even if you didn't mean it in an offensive way, I'm not accusing you of being callous or spiteful.
You see, English is a very difficult language. Sometimes native English speakers make English mistakes too, really they do! Of course we all know that Americans are a good example of the difficulties of speaking proper English, as they on average make one critical language mistake each word that they pronounce. So compared to them, your English is in fact very good!
Australians have avoided the whole affair by developing such an outrageously strong accent that the rest of the English speaking world cannot understand them at all, and therefore cannot be offended by the gross grammatical and contextual errors that they may (or may not) be making. Certain countries like, for instance, Jamaica, have adopted a very creative approach to dealing with the tremendous difficulties of this complex language. They have introduced making deliberate mistakes as a badge of honour. An individual making these deliberate mistakes shows he is part of a community and that he conforms to its rules. Additionally (/importantly) making these deliberate mistakes also camouflages the abundance of accidental mistakes they make. This method of coping with the traumatising effects of the English language is now known as "being cool".
It is therefore gratifying to know that at least one country in the world has the ability and the drive to do this wonderful language justice. To correctly apply the rules and conventions which they themselves have created.
Am am of course speaking of the English (note, this does not include the Scottish, Welsh & Northern Irish. What they to to the English language can best be described as "a full frontal attack").

Although... Do even the English actually know how to properly use the English language?
See: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/7591905.stm



Even Tesco's??? (why am I now thinking "Et Tu Brute?" ;-) )